What Is Middle-Aged?

Notes of a Stand-Up #30

Being middle-aged in 2026 is:

panic when I run out of prescription cream for this persistent thigh rash

my neighbor saying “hey buddy you can borrow my power washer”

deeply appreciating bathroom access at CVS (pro hack: take a pic of the code)

needing reading glasses to select the correct gangster rap track to bump on spotify

Seeing the QR code and demanding a paper menu at Applebees (I won’t stand for this disrespect)

It feels triumphant like reeling in a giant marlin when i finally get my socks on (tension, release, breath control, back spasm, repeat)

A firm conviction that the crazy state of the world was Y2K after all - who ever said its effects were immediate? Besides, wasn’t 1999 only like 10 years ago? Maybe 15?

Let me get this straight: you don’t accept cash?? You sell things here, right? Check this out: you don’t have to download this green paper, go ahead just take it with your fingers, keep it safe, then hand it to someone else when you want something, it really works great, it has the numbers of value on it and everything. .

my clothes keep shrinking and it’s obviously the dryer - I’m still seven (European) sizes less than these new pants

Waking up the next morning after having two drinks feels like Hunter S Thompson’s bender from Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (I’m looking for the American Dream with this White Claw, no ether needed)

Struggling with sleep apnea and curious to learn (thnx Alex) of a pill to be released next year designed to ensure restful sleep (without CPAP or mouth guard), with it’s chief side effect being - insomnia! thnx Big Pharma. . .

If I’m invited out, usually my first question is, “will there be people there?” Because my cats need to take a bath and I’m teaching them Chopin tonight. . .

Photo by Ансплэш Степана on Unsplash

The use of AI is being joyously hailed by many with an unbridled fervor tantamount to unprotected sex; this is incredible, where has this been, what could go wrong?? Okay, let’s see how it burns a little bit down the road. . .for instance, there’s already widely conflicting takes on its use in artistic work - (For the record I do NOT use AI in any of my work)

They’re remaking the remake of the sequel to the remake that got remade again by the original? With another remake of the last sequel?

Aren’t all these TV apps with ads and separate subscriptions really just cable in drag??? It was a great day when the Time Warner guy showed up and asked if you had any weed. . .

I’d rather nibble on my dog’s sh*t bag than talk politics, it leaves a better taste (which is not to say I don’t have an opinion which is 100% correct on every issue)

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OK THANK YOU FOR READING - IN GENERAL. ALSO FOR READING HECKLE.

May you enjoy your advancing years. . .

Love,

Erik